WEBVTT 00:03.520 --> 00:07.400 So our first example worksheet is an example where an 00:07.900 --> 00:12.040 employee of mine, in this case Jen, has gone to my boss 00:12.540 --> 00:16.000 behind my back and tried to get a decision that I've made 00:16.640 --> 00:21.240 overridden. And, you know, this is definitely a 00:21.740 --> 00:26.000 conflict of an unhealthy style. And so 00:26.610 --> 00:29.730 I want to go and I want to help Jen and I want to understand 00:30.230 --> 00:33.490 the situation and I want to make sure that this doesn't happen again, at the 00:33.990 --> 00:37.730 very least without me being aware of it. And so I want to prepare 00:38.130 --> 00:41.810 for this conversation that's going to turn this unhealthy conflict 00:42.310 --> 00:45.850 into a healthy conflict. So the first thing I need to do is acknowledge to 00:46.350 --> 00:49.650 myself that this is actually a conflict. This is a conflict that's occurring. 00:50.290 --> 00:53.790 You know, Jen has gone behind my back to my manager because 00:54.290 --> 00:57.870 she's unhappy about a decision that I made. She didn't tell me or 00:58.370 --> 01:01.630 warn me that she was going to speak to my boss. And so this 01:02.130 --> 01:04.950 is definitely a conflict. So I've acknowledged that. 01:05.910 --> 01:09.990 Then the mindset shifts. What do I need to make this conflict 01:10.490 --> 01:13.430 more healthy? Why is it important to resolve? 01:14.550 --> 01:18.030 So it makes my job hard if Jen goes behind my back to my 01:18.530 --> 01:22.790 boss, My boss doesn't fully understand the situation. She's a bit more disconnected 01:23.270 --> 01:26.710 to the shop floor than I am. And so she could make promises to 01:27.210 --> 01:30.510 Jen with the best of intentions that actually are counterproductive for what 01:31.010 --> 01:33.510 Jen's trying to achieve, what my boss is trying to achieve, or what I'm trying 01:34.010 --> 01:37.310 to achieve. So I really need to have this conversation with Jen. 01:37.790 --> 01:41.389 It could also undermine my relationship with my boss. You know, if my boss 01:41.710 --> 01:45.510 sees Jen coming to her all the time, asking and questioning 01:46.010 --> 01:49.470 my decisions, then my boss is going to not necessarily get the best impression 01:49.970 --> 01:54.030 of me. And for Jen herself, it's not necessarily teaching 01:54.530 --> 01:57.470 her the value of doing things the right way and involving me and, you know, 01:57.970 --> 02:01.510 helping her, teaching her how to influence and change me and 02:02.010 --> 02:05.430 manage up to me, which is going to be more beneficial for Jen in 02:05.930 --> 02:09.230 her future careers. So these are all reasons why I need to have 02:09.730 --> 02:13.830 this conversation. So then we move on to onto preparation. 02:14.230 --> 02:17.550 So what preparation can I do to make this conversation as productive 02:18.050 --> 02:21.830 as possible? And so here I need to understand what Jen actually 02:22.330 --> 02:25.740 said to myself, boss, there's a couple of reasons for that. The first reason is 02:26.240 --> 02:29.420 if my boss did promise anything to Jen, I need to make sure that 02:29.920 --> 02:33.300 I don't undermine my boss. And so I need to understand 02:33.460 --> 02:37.780 exactly what Jen said and what my boss said back. But secondly, 02:38.260 --> 02:42.100 the frustrations that Jen was expressing to my boss are important 02:42.600 --> 02:46.100 for me to understand if I'm to empathize with Jen and get to 02:46.260 --> 02:49.970 understand why she had this, why she went around me to 02:50.470 --> 02:54.810 my boss. Ultimately she felt that her only option was 02:55.310 --> 02:57.850 to go around me and go to my boss. And so it's really important that 02:58.350 --> 03:02.050 I understand those frustrations and the reasons for them. So lastly, 03:02.130 --> 03:05.730 we've got courage and composure. This is where 03:05.810 --> 03:09.490 we question ourselves about the emotions that we've got. Keep them 03:09.650 --> 03:12.970 in check, but also make sure we have the 03:13.470 --> 03:17.250 courage to have these conversations and to move this conflict 03:17.330 --> 03:20.990 into a healthy state. So I am frustrated that jam went 03:21.490 --> 03:24.670 to my, my boss instead of me. But I've got to make sure that doesn't 03:25.170 --> 03:28.910 bubble too much to the surface. Now this 03:29.410 --> 03:33.350 is a double edged sword. Composure can be a double edged sword because if 03:33.850 --> 03:37.750 you don't show any emotions at any point, then often 03:38.250 --> 03:41.190 people can feel that you're uncaring and unemotional. 03:41.750 --> 03:45.790 So there is a difference between absolute composure 03:46.290 --> 03:49.960 and enough composure to make the conversation 03:50.460 --> 03:53.640 productive. If you don't show any emotion, it can 03:54.140 --> 03:58.120 often be just as unproductive as if you let all the emotions show. 03:58.600 --> 04:02.040 And so finding that right balance between just enough 04:02.120 --> 04:05.320 emotions to show that you were truly hurt that Jen did this. 04:05.560 --> 04:07.560 But it's still productive. 04:08.440 --> 04:12.640 It's still a productive conversation. So just getting the composure 04:13.140 --> 04:16.620 at the right level is really important. My suggestion 04:17.120 --> 04:20.740 to myself is that before I have this conversation, I should take a 04:21.240 --> 04:24.380 walk and I should make sure that I'm in the right place mentally and emotionally 04:24.880 --> 04:28.100 to have this conversation. So again, 04:28.420 --> 04:31.580 this worksheet, because a lot of what is going to happen is in 04:32.080 --> 04:35.820 the room with Jen. There isn't necessarily a lot of boxes to fill in 04:36.320 --> 04:40.380 here. It's just a matter of thinking through this. So reminding yourself that 04:40.880 --> 04:44.660 you've got to actively listen, reminding yourself that, you know, Jen is going to talk 04:45.460 --> 04:48.600 and she has to express what she thinks the conflict is 04:49.100 --> 04:52.080 about. And I need to stop talking at this point, empathize with them and respect. 04:53.200 --> 04:56.280 But that doesn't mean I can't ask open ended questions. I need 04:56.780 --> 05:00.760 to understand their point of view. And so, you know, when Jen stops 05:01.260 --> 05:06.840 talking, I'm going to take a moment. It's really powerful when you understand the 05:07.340 --> 05:11.280 way that pauses can actually drive a conversation. We often 05:12.410 --> 05:16.090 feel afraid of leaving silences in 05:16.590 --> 05:20.570 difficult conversations such as a conflict situation. But often 05:21.070 --> 05:24.570 pauses are incredibly powerful to actually encourage 05:25.070 --> 05:28.690 people to speak again. So don't feel like you have to fill every single 05:29.190 --> 05:33.250 silence with Your own voice, sometimes just letting 05:33.750 --> 05:37.330 them stew on it for a minute as they think about what to 05:37.830 --> 05:41.130 say next can actually get them to say something that they might not otherwise have 05:41.630 --> 05:45.070 said or express a viewpoint in a way or contradict themselves 05:45.570 --> 05:49.030 and talk about. Actually, no, that wasn't what I meant. I'm going to try saying 05:49.530 --> 05:52.950 that again. Whereas if you constantly putting your 05:53.190 --> 05:56.470 voice into this, it can be counterproductive, 05:56.550 --> 05:59.590 but you can ask open ended questions. 05:59.989 --> 06:03.510 Again, we talked about this in the course. But not questions that elicit a single 06:04.010 --> 06:07.190 word or small phrase response, but questions that elicit 06:07.350 --> 06:10.470 a more comprehensive response to what we're trying 06:10.970 --> 06:14.260 to get to here. Then next, share your view of what happened 06:14.760 --> 06:18.820 without blame. So this is your opportunity to talk about your perspective and correct 06:19.220 --> 06:22.380 any misattributed intent from 06:22.880 --> 06:25.140 their point of view. Lastly, 06:25.700 --> 06:28.900 end with alignment and action, so reaffirm your 06:29.400 --> 06:31.940 common goals. Jen and I both want to, 06:32.900 --> 06:36.780 want to get this project to be successful. We both want to build 06:37.280 --> 06:40.100 great software. We just have a disagreement on how to do that. 06:40.650 --> 06:44.250 And moreover, Jen felt like I wasn't listening 06:44.750 --> 06:47.970 to her point of view effectively. So, you know, 06:48.470 --> 06:51.410 I can, we can talk about and I can say at this point, we're both 06:51.910 --> 06:55.170 trying to build great software. We're both trying to get this project finished. We just 06:55.670 --> 06:59.410 had a disagreement about how to get there and I, and you felt like I 06:59.910 --> 07:03.770 wasn't giving you enough opportunity to express your ideas. So much 07:04.270 --> 07:07.690 so that you felt your only recourse was to go to my boss. 07:08.330 --> 07:11.450 In the future in this project, we're going to make 07:11.950 --> 07:14.130 time where you and I are going to spend time together. We're going to talk 07:14.630 --> 07:18.010 about our ideas one on one. And if you ever 07:18.510 --> 07:22.090 feel like this is raising to the point where I'm not listening to your ideas 07:22.410 --> 07:25.770 before you speak to my boss, you're going to let me know that that's something 07:26.270 --> 07:29.450 you're going to do and we can go to my boss together 07:30.330 --> 07:33.690 as, as a, as a team, as opposed to 07:34.190 --> 07:37.970 individually. So this is a way where we can end with alignment and 07:38.470 --> 07:40.130 action in a respectful way.