WEBVTT 00:04.400 --> 00:07.840 Another example that we're going to use in the Healthy Conflict worksheet is 00:08.340 --> 00:11.360 a situation where me and my project manager, George, 00:11.760 --> 00:15.160 aggressively disagree on the order in which we should do 00:15.660 --> 00:18.880 the tasks in this project. Now, I've used the word aggressively here because, 00:19.380 --> 00:22.560 you know, I want to make clear that this is a conflict that's occurring. 00:23.060 --> 00:26.480 And that's exactly what I'm going to do in my first box here. 00:27.050 --> 00:30.370 Acknowledge internally that this is a conflict. George thinks 00:30.870 --> 00:34.570 we should build the user elements first. I think we should build the hardware interfaces 00:34.650 --> 00:38.330 first. This is a conflict. And if we're 00:38.830 --> 00:42.490 aggressively disagreeing on this, that's a good indication that it's likely 00:42.649 --> 00:46.330 an unhealthy conflict as opposed to a healthy conflict. 00:46.650 --> 00:50.650 Especially because I'm using terminology such as George thinks. 00:51.210 --> 00:54.850 If you're using that phrase George thinks, then chances are 00:55.350 --> 00:59.090 that you're considering considering George as opposed to George's idea. 01:00.130 --> 01:03.530 And so, you know, this is an indication that we do have an unhealthy conflict 01:04.030 --> 01:07.370 and we want to move it to a healthy conflict. The mindset 01:07.870 --> 01:11.609 in this example, it's worthwhile reminding myself that George honestly 01:12.109 --> 01:15.450 believes that his way is the best way to proceed. You know, I'm assuming all 01:15.950 --> 01:20.090 the positive intent in the world here. I don't think that George wants to undermine 01:20.590 --> 01:24.110 this project. I don't think that George, he doesn't want to build great software 01:24.610 --> 01:28.190 and he wants to hit the timelines. He believes 01:28.690 --> 01:32.710 that his idea is the best way to hit those timelines and that, 01:33.210 --> 01:36.950 you know, even though he is being aggressive or potentially on reflection, 01:37.450 --> 01:40.230 just assertive, he isn't against me as a person, 01:40.550 --> 01:44.830 he's just against my idea. And he believes so vehemently that 01:45.330 --> 01:48.750 that emotion is spilling over and making me feel like his conflict is with me 01:49.250 --> 01:52.940 as opposed to with my idea. So in the preparation 01:53.440 --> 01:56.980 for this, I'm reminding myself that we're not here 01:57.780 --> 02:01.700 in this conversation, which I'm going to have with George. We're not here to 02:02.200 --> 02:05.820 discuss the merits of our different ideas. I've just recognized that we're 02:06.320 --> 02:09.900 in an unhealthy conflict and we're being aggressive to each other. And so 02:10.400 --> 02:14.020 it's important that we move this from an unhealthy conflict to 02:14.520 --> 02:17.980 a healthy conflict. So this discussion with George is just going to be about 02:18.480 --> 02:21.500 the conflict itself, not the ideas. 02:22.460 --> 02:25.980 And we should have this discussion in private because if we do it in public, 02:26.300 --> 02:30.620 George and I could feel like we have to protect and defend 02:31.120 --> 02:34.300 our ideas in front of other people. Whereas if we're in private, 02:34.620 --> 02:38.340 we might get a more productive discussion about the conflict 02:38.840 --> 02:42.460 itself. And that's also important for courage and composure. 02:42.960 --> 02:45.860 I've got to make sure that I'm in the right place and the right state 02:46.360 --> 02:49.370 of mind to have this. And so I need to make sure that I don't 02:49.870 --> 02:53.890 feel that need to protect my ideas. And we can actually just have 02:54.390 --> 02:56.410 a discussion about the conflict itself. 02:58.090 --> 03:01.690 And so another way to do this is that I'll spend a few minutes beforehand 03:01.930 --> 03:05.850 thinking about why this conflict occurred and 03:06.350 --> 03:10.210 why it's important for us to resolve it. So this is all the preparation that 03:10.710 --> 03:14.010 I'm going to do before I have the discussion with George. 03:14.250 --> 03:18.050 Then when I'm in the discussion, I'm going to use the other techniques that 03:18.550 --> 03:22.310 we've talked about in the Pause framework. So first of all, actively listen 03:22.810 --> 03:26.430 to them discuss the conflict, listen to them talk about it, listen to them 03:26.930 --> 03:30.790 and understand their point of view. The second stage doesn't mean 03:30.870 --> 03:33.790 we can't ask questions, but when those questions are asked, 03:34.290 --> 03:38.710 they need to be open ended questions and 03:39.210 --> 03:42.870 again, assume positive intent in your questions. So when I'm talking 03:43.370 --> 03:46.790 to George, I'm not assuming that he's doing anything, anything other 03:47.350 --> 03:51.430 than trying to get the best for the project, which is also what 03:51.930 --> 03:55.350 I'm trying to do. Then it's my opportunity to share my 03:55.850 --> 03:58.710 view of what happens without blame or without assuming intent. 03:58.950 --> 04:02.990 And so I'm going to repeat back to him my understanding of his 04:03.490 --> 04:07.430 point of view. And while I'm doing that, I can also correct any 04:07.830 --> 04:11.270 misattributed intent. So if George in this 04:11.770 --> 04:15.470 conflict believes that what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to do the 04:15.970 --> 04:19.570 hardware first, because it's the thing that I'm personally the most interested in, 04:19.970 --> 04:22.890 I can correct that point of view and I can say to him, no, 04:23.390 --> 04:25.730 no, the reason I want to do it is because we need to have the 04:26.230 --> 04:29.770 underlying frameworks in place so that we answer all the questions that are needed before 04:30.270 --> 04:33.809 we build the user interface. I can explain to him my point of 04:34.309 --> 04:37.650 view. And again, I'm not necessarily getting into the merits, I'm just trying 04:37.730 --> 04:42.210 to change his point of view and go, no, my reasons 04:42.370 --> 04:45.360 for my ideas are positive, 04:45.680 --> 04:48.960 not, you know, and we're pulling towards the same goal, 04:49.440 --> 04:52.240 which is where we can end with alignment and action, 04:52.720 --> 04:56.160 reaffirm that both of us are trying to 04:56.660 --> 05:00.399 get this project finished on time and that our decisions are based on our, 05:00.880 --> 05:04.160 our own ideas on how we achieve that 05:04.660 --> 05:08.320 common goal. We do have that common goal and we are trying to achieve it 05:08.820 --> 05:12.720 together. We have had a conflict that has potentially spilled over 05:13.220 --> 05:16.500 into an unhealthy conflict where we're being a bit aggressive 05:17.000 --> 05:20.140 than maybe we should. And that is not something we want to do. 05:20.620 --> 05:23.660 And so we gained agreement about what happened previously, 05:24.860 --> 05:28.020 then agree about what we should do in the future, both with this conflict, 05:28.520 --> 05:31.660 where we're going to sit down and we're going to discuss, one on one, 05:32.060 --> 05:35.980 exactly what's happening on this project and exactly why we think our relative 05:36.380 --> 05:40.100 ideas have merit. And we're going to do that one on one, because we 05:40.600 --> 05:43.020 don't want to be in a place where we both feel like we have to 05:43.520 --> 05:47.530 protect our ideas in front of other people. And if we sense 05:48.030 --> 05:51.490 that this is happening in the future, we're going to use the same method again.