WEBVTT 00:00.240 --> 00:00.480 You. 00:06.960 --> 00:10.720 One of my old bosses used to talk about giving the gift of 00:11.220 --> 00:14.320 feedback. It can be difficult to get yourself into that 00:14.820 --> 00:17.960 mindset, but that's the ultimate aim here. We want to be in the place where 00:18.460 --> 00:21.560 we feel like we're gifting somebody, where we're trying to make them better by giving 00:22.060 --> 00:26.240 them feedback. That's ultimately how you move away from this being an extremely 00:26.820 --> 00:29.940 uncomfortable conversation to one where you're. 00:30.440 --> 00:34.020 You're still slightly discomforted, but you're confident in having it. 00:34.100 --> 00:37.820 If we're having these discussions about performance, then we need to make sure 00:38.320 --> 00:40.820 we're in the right mindset for it. We need to make sure that we're doing 00:41.320 --> 00:44.500 this because it's in the best interests of the employee. 00:44.660 --> 00:47.420 We're not just doing it because we didn't like the way they were doing it. 00:47.920 --> 00:50.980 We're not just doing it because we wish they were better for no real reason 00:51.140 --> 00:54.150 or because they're not doing it the way we would have it done. 00:54.230 --> 00:57.870 We're doing it because we want to make them better. So how 00:58.370 --> 01:02.990 do we do that? Well, first of all, we need to get over our lack 01:03.490 --> 01:06.870 of desire to give feedback. Feedback can be quite a challenging, difficult conversation. 01:07.110 --> 01:10.950 And so focusing on yourself first is the right 01:11.030 --> 01:14.470 mindset to go into. Why should I give this feedback? Why is it in 01:14.970 --> 01:18.270 my interests to give this person the feedback? We don't want people on 01:18.770 --> 01:22.080 our team, which are underperforming. We don't want to breed a culture of where we 01:22.160 --> 01:25.920 don't give feedback. We don't want people to not give us feedback when 01:26.420 --> 01:29.320 they see that we could be doing things better. And so these are the reasons 01:29.820 --> 01:33.120 why it's in our best interest to give feedback. Why is it in their best 01:33.620 --> 01:36.800 interests? Well, because ultimately they want to be better as well. 01:37.040 --> 01:40.320 We're taking an assumption of positive intent here. 01:40.720 --> 01:44.160 Everybody in an idealized world goes to work 01:44.660 --> 01:47.690 to do the best job they can and to get better than that. 01:48.090 --> 01:51.450 And so people want to receive feedback. You might be one of the people 01:51.950 --> 01:55.450 like me who spends their career desiring more and more feedback. It can be quite 01:55.950 --> 01:58.210 frustrating when you don't get it. So it's in their best interest to make them 01:58.710 --> 02:02.410 better. Next question. Why is it in the team's best interests 02:02.910 --> 02:06.450 to give this person feedback? Well, the team will 02:06.950 --> 02:10.250 see poor performance and they won't like it. 02:10.750 --> 02:14.140 They'll think one of two things. They'll either think, I, oh, so that's 02:14.640 --> 02:16.900 what I can get away with, which is not what we want as leaders, 02:17.140 --> 02:20.340 or they'll look at that. And they'll go, I'm performing this well 02:20.660 --> 02:24.100 and they're not. And I get just the same feedback as them. 02:24.980 --> 02:28.220 So either way, it's in the team's best interest to give the feedback. This is 02:28.720 --> 02:30.860 how we build high performing teams. This is how we build a culture of feedback 02:31.360 --> 02:34.820 and a culture of high performance. And if you don't give the feedback, that's not 02:35.320 --> 02:37.340 the culture you're going to breed. You're going to breed a place where people feel 02:37.840 --> 02:40.830 like they can just skate through. And that's not the high performing team that we 02:41.330 --> 02:41.670 all want to be in. 02:45.990 --> 02:49.270 A lot of the preparation that you're going to do in this particular conversation 02:49.350 --> 02:52.590 will come from the performance and feedback discussion 02:53.090 --> 02:56.510 framework that you're using. So if you're using sbi, for example, Situation, behavior, 02:57.010 --> 03:00.110 Impact, then the preparation we're going to do here is going to focus heavily in 03:00.610 --> 03:04.950 those three areas. But there's still things we can do within the Difficult Conversations 03:05.450 --> 03:09.020 framework to help smooth things out. We can think about the data we can gather 03:09.520 --> 03:13.580 which will inform the framework that you're using. And we can think about the objections 03:14.080 --> 03:17.260 that could be raised by that person and how we can overcome them. And we 03:17.760 --> 03:21.340 can think about the ways in which the conversation could go awry. These are part 03:21.840 --> 03:25.460 of the Difficult Conversations framework that complement the feedback framework that you're using. 03:25.700 --> 03:29.060 So I recommend you do both so that you can be in the best place 03:29.560 --> 03:33.060 for having this feedback conversation. So data is 03:33.300 --> 03:36.970 pretty explanatory in this particular scenario. This is about how 03:37.470 --> 03:40.530 you observed what was going on. So the situation that you observed the 03:41.030 --> 03:44.970 data around that situation as objectively as possible. Remember, data is objective. 03:45.210 --> 03:48.410 So we're not talking about your interpretation of events here, we're talking about the 03:48.910 --> 03:52.570 objective facts. Then we can think about the objections 03:53.070 --> 03:56.570 the person could raise. These are things which, you know, getting that 03:57.070 --> 04:00.130 good judge of somebody can allow us to have the answers to that. If we 04:00.630 --> 04:03.860 were in their shoes, what would we do then? You know, maybe we want to 04:04.360 --> 04:07.580 get some viewpoints of other people around us. Maybe there's something going on 04:08.080 --> 04:11.620 that we're not aware of. If this person is having poor performance, maybe there's 04:12.120 --> 04:15.740 something happening in their, in their personal lives and you know, checking with, with HR 04:16.240 --> 04:19.260 and seeing if everything's going okay, or their friends, you know, their peers, that could 04:19.760 --> 04:23.220 be a useful discussion to have. Obviously you don't 04:23.720 --> 04:26.700 want to breach any confidentiality, but if you know that there is something going on 04:27.200 --> 04:30.340 in that circumstance, it means that you can be prepared for when you have the 04:30.840 --> 04:34.540 conversation for them discussing it and it doesn't take you off guard. The last thing 04:35.040 --> 04:38.940 in the preparation is how things could go awry. So this person could decide that 04:39.440 --> 04:41.420 they want to walk out of the meeting. How do you handle that scenario? 04:41.920 --> 04:45.260 They could decide that you know they're going to break down emotionally how 04:45.760 --> 04:49.180 you handle that scenario. So think about how the feedback could go awry and then 04:49.680 --> 04:53.340 how you will handle those things and when, if they happen, you can 04:53.840 --> 04:56.660 deal with the situation a lot better because you thought about it and you've prepared 05:01.830 --> 05:05.230 So here we're looking at a worksheet that I filled out for you for 05:05.730 --> 05:08.310 somebody who needs a performance discussion. 05:08.550 --> 05:12.590 Performance difficult conversation. The example I'm using here is we've 05:13.090 --> 05:16.590 got a more junior colleague called Jonathan and we noticed that during 05:17.090 --> 05:21.470 a client meeting he was playing with his phone and not particularly paying 05:21.970 --> 05:25.360 attention to the meeting. So that's what we filled in. In the what section 05:25.440 --> 05:28.760 I saw Jonathan playing with his phone. It meant he missed 05:29.260 --> 05:32.360 some important information. It also meant the client felt he was engaged and 05:32.860 --> 05:35.840 didn't care about the project. So here the client has actually mentioned it to me 05:35.920 --> 05:39.280 confidentially that they noticed it. They didn't bring it up in the, in the 05:39.780 --> 05:42.000 meeting because they know they didn't feel it was the right place, but they did 05:42.500 --> 05:45.640 mention it to me after the meeting. So who should 05:46.140 --> 05:49.520 be taking part in this? This is a performance management conversation. 99% of 05:50.020 --> 05:53.550 these should be one to one. It should just be you and the 05:54.050 --> 05:57.270 person you're giving the feedback to. There are very, very rare 05:57.770 --> 06:01.790 circumstances where this should be involved somebody else. But especially 06:02.290 --> 06:05.590 if you're new to these types of conversations, err on the side of just yourself 06:06.090 --> 06:09.110 and the person being performance managed or given feedback. 06:10.230 --> 06:13.750 In the when section I've said I don't want to wait too long. That's really 06:14.250 --> 06:18.090 important with feedback. The quicker you give the feedback the from the event that 06:18.250 --> 06:21.530 you're giving the feedback about, the more likely the person is 06:22.030 --> 06:25.210 to understand remember what happened. And you know, 06:25.710 --> 06:28.650 if you're giving this six months after it happened, their first response is going to 06:29.150 --> 06:32.050 be I don't remember that meeting. If you gave it to them very, very quickly 06:32.550 --> 06:35.810 after the meeting, they're likely to remember it. So as soon as you can have 06:36.310 --> 06:39.410 the performance conversation. As for where this is one of 06:39.910 --> 06:43.370 the most private conversations you should have with somebody you know, this is the, 06:43.670 --> 06:47.750 this is second to a real performance management type discussion. 06:48.250 --> 06:51.870 So really this should be private one to one discussion over zoom or 06:52.370 --> 06:55.670 team or whatever your video communication method is, or a private 06:56.170 --> 06:59.350 meeting room. This would just again be you and the 06:59.850 --> 07:02.910 other person. Notice in 07:03.410 --> 07:07.110 this. I haven't yet spoken about the consequences 07:07.610 --> 07:10.950 of this. I've mentioned a little bit about the client feeling that he was disengaged, 07:11.450 --> 07:14.510 but this is because the client mentioned this to me. We're trying to make this 07:15.010 --> 07:18.770 as neutral as possible at this point. So I'm not ascribing any 07:19.410 --> 07:23.010 assumptions around why Jonathan did this and I'm not ascribing 07:23.510 --> 07:25.490 any assumptions around how a client felt. 07:26.210 --> 07:27.330 That's really, really important. 07:30.290 --> 07:33.450 So now for mindset. This is, this is again, we're going to start off with 07:33.950 --> 07:36.530 thinking about ourselves first. We're going to start with the selfish side of things. 07:36.690 --> 07:39.850 So why is it my best interest to have this discussion with 07:40.350 --> 07:43.730 Jonathan? Well, when I saw him doing that, I felt uncomfortable. 07:43.970 --> 07:47.090 You know, I know that that's not what he should be doing. And I know 07:47.250 --> 07:50.770 or I suspect the impact that can have on the client. And so personally 07:51.270 --> 07:54.450 I felt uncomfortable and I don't want to feel that. 07:54.950 --> 07:57.450 And so, you know, that's, that's first and foremost why I should be having this 07:57.950 --> 08:01.330 conversation. Secondly, as happened in this 08:01.830 --> 08:04.850 particular scenario, when the clients observe this, 08:05.350 --> 08:07.810 they're going to speak to me. You know, I'm the most senior person on this 08:08.310 --> 08:11.610 project. When they observe a particular thing that they're unhappy about with one of 08:12.110 --> 08:15.020 the people on the project, I'm the person they're going to speak to. And so 08:15.520 --> 08:18.580 I don't want to have those conversations, you know, ramping up a little 08:19.080 --> 08:22.540 bit. This type of thing. If the client, especially in a pre sales or sales 08:23.040 --> 08:26.100 meeting, if the client feels like we're not taking them seriously, then it could lose 08:26.600 --> 08:29.100 as a deal, it could lose as a sale. And I can't hit the numbers 08:29.600 --> 08:32.980 or the targets or, you know, the KPIs, the OKRs that I'm 08:33.480 --> 08:36.580 being asked to hit if we lose deals like this. 08:37.060 --> 08:40.260 And so it's important for me selfishly to have this conversation. 08:41.030 --> 08:44.350 So why is it in the best interest of Jonathan? So Jonathan's still young. 08:44.850 --> 08:48.390 He doesn't understand etiquette. I'm helping him, I'm helping him become a better employee. 08:48.550 --> 08:52.310 So that's part of this. I know because I've been coaching him and leading 08:52.810 --> 08:55.550 him for the last few months that he wants to be successful and he needs 08:56.050 --> 08:59.430 to connect those two things. He needs to connect being successful with not playing with 08:59.930 --> 09:03.190 his phone, join client meetings, and I can help join those two dots for him. 09:04.310 --> 09:07.830 As for something else that might be important to him, the client's likely going to 09:08.330 --> 09:11.990 have a negative impression of him because of this. Now, in this particular scenario, 09:12.490 --> 09:15.290 because, you know, the client spoke to me first and I discussed it with them, 09:15.790 --> 09:18.210 then, you know, that isn't going to be an issue for Jonathan going forward, 09:18.710 --> 09:22.130 but it could be. And so it's important to him that he recognizes the 09:22.630 --> 09:26.850 impacts of it. Lastly, I'm quite, 09:27.570 --> 09:30.970 I guess, compassionate in the way I communicate these types of things 09:31.470 --> 09:35.090 to people. There are certain people in my organization that potentially are not so. 09:35.170 --> 09:38.610 And just again, to point out, this is a fictional scenario, 09:39.250 --> 09:41.970 this is nothing to do with what's actually going on in my life. 09:42.830 --> 09:46.910 But, you know, if my boss is, is a bit, a bit too harsher 09:47.410 --> 09:51.310 or unkind than me, then, you know, Jonathan would rather me be having this conversation 09:51.470 --> 09:55.470 than this ending up getting escalated and somebody else having this conversation. So it's 09:55.970 --> 09:59.590 in Jonathan's best interest that I have this discussion with him. So for the 10:00.090 --> 10:03.710 wider team, teams, you know, don't, don't like it when people get a, 10:04.210 --> 10:07.030 you know, get away with things that you've told them not to do. You know, 10:07.530 --> 10:10.570 it's the old, well, if, if you told me to not to do it, 10:11.070 --> 10:13.730 then why can they do it? So it's important for the team that I have 10:14.230 --> 10:17.610 a consistent approach and a consistent way of handling these 10:18.110 --> 10:21.330 things. And secondly, again, if the client gets 10:21.830 --> 10:24.450 a little bit perturbed by this, it's not just going to be myself and Jonathan 10:24.950 --> 10:27.130 that this affects, it's going to be the wider project as well. And so it's 10:27.630 --> 10:31.170 important to the team that I have this discussion. So just 10:31.670 --> 10:34.810 to summarise all of that, if I don't have this discussion with Jonathan, he won't 10:35.310 --> 10:38.270 learn the right way to behave. The client will get annoyed and ask, will have 10:38.770 --> 10:41.030 to deal with it and my team will get upset that I'm not picking up 10:41.530 --> 10:44.630 on behavior that I told them about previously. So these are all the reasons why 10:45.130 --> 10:49.310 I should have this discussion with Jonathan. As for preparation, 10:49.390 --> 10:52.350 this is a pretty, a pretty simple example. 10:52.590 --> 10:55.870 You know, when you're giving performance feedback and you're giving it quickly, 10:56.270 --> 10:59.590 very soon after the event, then people's memories are fresh and you 11:00.090 --> 11:02.790 can have that discussion. So I don't need a lot of evidence. I just need 11:03.290 --> 11:06.480 to do this quick, reasonably soon afterwards, so that he remembers and that I remember 11:06.980 --> 11:09.400 the details. Outside opinions on this. 11:10.120 --> 11:13.720 I don't think anybody would object that this is not appropriate behavior. 11:13.880 --> 11:17.240 But just to make sure that I Wasn't going crazy. You know, I double checked 11:17.740 --> 11:21.320 with both my coach and one of my peers. Possible objections. 11:21.820 --> 11:24.280 There's two I can think of here. The first one just basically saying that it's 11:24.780 --> 11:28.280 not a problem to do this kind of thing. This should be handled using the 11:29.320 --> 11:33.120 feedback, the performance feedback framework that you're using. So in this example, I could use 11:33.620 --> 11:37.450 sbi, which is situation behavior impact, with impact being the 11:37.950 --> 11:41.330 important part of that, to respond to this objection. You know, 11:41.830 --> 11:44.530 I can talk to him about the potential impacts of his behavior. 11:45.730 --> 11:49.370 Other potential objection is it was just once and you 11:49.870 --> 11:52.170 know, in this scenario it wasn't, you know, I've seen him do it a few 11:52.670 --> 11:56.210 more times. But even if it was just once, it can still annoy a client. 11:56.370 --> 11:59.790 You know, the client, especially again, especially in sales and pre sales, 12:00.020 --> 12:03.500 they get one view of you in that first meeting and that's all they know 12:04.000 --> 12:07.940 about you. And so, you know, explaining this to Jonathan, again using the SBI framework 12:08.340 --> 12:11.900 and talking about the impact of that behavior on a client that is meeting us 12:12.400 --> 12:15.300 for the first time, that can be how I can handle that objection. 12:16.340 --> 12:19.940 So now how could this go awry? Well, he could get angry. 12:20.340 --> 12:23.380 This, this often happens in feedback discussions, especially with, 12:23.780 --> 12:26.980 you know, people that are more on the, I guess the arrogant side of the 12:27.480 --> 12:31.160 spectrum. Here. This is your typical emotional and 12:31.660 --> 12:35.160 conflict resolution skills and bringing those to bear. We've got other courses on 12:35.660 --> 12:39.880 that kind of thing. But this is around talking to them, explaining to them the 12:40.380 --> 12:43.600 tone of your voice should be appropriate. That doesn't always mean that you should be 12:44.100 --> 12:47.800 calm. Sometimes the right choice is to join them in 12:48.300 --> 12:50.400 the tone and the timbre of your voice. But we talk more about that in 12:50.900 --> 12:53.840 the conflict resolution course. He could flat out deny that it happened. 12:54.780 --> 12:58.140 I saw him do it. And I will firmly but compassionately 12:58.640 --> 13:00.860 say to him that I saw him do that. And I just will not accept 13:01.340 --> 13:03.740 that that is anything other than the truth. 13:04.620 --> 13:07.820 I can even mention, although, you know, that I would like not to do this, 13:08.320 --> 13:11.700 that the client has mentioned it to me. The last thing he could say is 13:12.200 --> 13:15.700 that it's simply not a problem. This is similar to the possible 13:16.200 --> 13:20.110 objections raised. So I can use the SBI framework here. Use a story, narrative and 13:20.610 --> 13:24.110 possible outcomes to help him understand the client's point of view and help him understand 13:24.610 --> 13:27.750 how the client could see and observe this behavior and how they would interpret that. 13:28.950 --> 13:32.510 So this is the difficult conversations worksheet for giving 13:33.010 --> 13:36.830 a performance feedback discussion on somebody I saw playing with a phone during a client 13:37.330 --> 13:40.390 meeting. Obviously a lot of the things here are specific to that scenario, but also 13:40.890 --> 13:44.230 a lot of them are generic. And please take from this if you have this 13:44.730 --> 13:48.140 particular scenario, but also please read it and understand it and think about 13:48.640 --> 13:51.900 the things that transfer to different performance discussions and other 13:52.400 --> 13:53.820 difficult conversations in general.