Resolving Conflict
Building a Culture of Healthy Conflict
In a thriving professional environment, conflict is not a hindrance but a catalyst for growth and innovation. Let's discuss how to build a culture where disagreements among peers are not only tolerated but encouraged. It's not about clashing for the sake of argument but about engaging in constructive debates that lead to better solutions and mutual understanding. When peers feel safe to express differing opinions and challenge one another's ideas without fear of retribution, it leads to a more robust and resilient team dynamic. This culture of healthy conflict promotes an atmosphere of trust, respect, and continuous learning, where every team member plays a vital role in shaping the collective success.
Why is resolving conflict important?
Resolving conflict is important because it is an inevitability in teams and groups of people working together. Without resolution, conflicts will continue to create an unresolved state of affairs and prevent progress.
As leaders, resolving conflict is essential in order to lead the team effectively and make the best impact through the contributions of others. When there is unresolved conflict, team members may pull in different directions, leading to wasted efforts and reduced productivity.
Conflict, whether healthy or unhealthy, can also lead to resentment and negative emotions that can damage the team dynamic and productivity.
Therefore, it is important to resolve conflict in order to move forward and maintain a productive and cohesive team
The two kinds of conflict
Conflict in the workplace and other social settings is a reality. Knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict is essential to ensure productivity and positive relationships.
Healthy conflict occurs when a group of people have aligned goals and outcomes. Everyone involved knows and agrees on the desired outcome. This is the ideal situation, as it allows for open and honest communication between those involved.
On the other hand, unhealthy conflict arises when there are misaligned goals or outcomes. This typically happens when one person in the team is incentivized to reach a different goal than the other person. It is also often a result of a lack of trust and respect between those involved. Unhealthy conflict is characterized by conversations that are passive-aggressive, as there is no trust or assumption of positive intent.
Overall, it is important to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict. Healthy conflict encourages honest communication and can help to achieve collective goals, while unhealthy conflict can hinder progress and lead to negative feelings between those involved.
What are the benefits of Healthy Conflict?
Conflict can be a tricky thing to navigate. We all want to get our point across and have our ideas heard and accepted. But is there a way to have healthy conflict that is beneficial to everyone involved?
The answer is yes. Healthy conflict is characterized by aligned goals, mutual respect, and positive intent. This means that everyone is focused on the same goal, everyone is respectful of each other, and everyone has the best interests of the group in mind.
When healthy conflict is present, ideas win. We don’t have to worry about who is the loudest, most aggressive, or highest paid person in the room. Instead, the best idea wins no matter where it comes from. This creates a more productive environment where the best idea doesn’t necessarily come from the most powerful person.
Healthy conflict is an important part of any successful team. It can help to ensure that the best ideas are heard, discussed, and implemented. It helps to create an environment of respect and open communication where everyone is working towards a common goal.
If you find yourself in a conflict situation, aim to create healthy conflict. Align everyone’s goals, be respectful, and make sure everyone is focused on the best outcome for the group. This will help to ensure that the best ideas win and that everyone’s voices are heard.
How do you know if you’re in a Healthy or an Unhealthy Conflict?
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn’t have to be unhealthy. In order to tell the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy conflict, it’s important to focus on two key terms: “safe” and “dialogue.”
Dialogue means that multiple people are talking, not just one person holding court.
When a conversation isn’t Safe, it triggers a fight-or-flight response in those involved. This can manifest in two ways: silence or violence. Silence means withdrawing from the dialogue and not engaging in it. Violence is forcing dialogue, such as interrupting people or repeating the same thing multiple times.
Additionally, the same person may not respond the same way in every circumstance. For example, they may withdraw from dialogue in one conflict, but become aggressive in another.
It’s important to remember that a safe dialogue is key to a healthy conflict. By paying attention to the way people are engaging in dialogue, you can tell if the conflict is healthy or unhealthy.
How to move an Unhealthy Conflict to a Healthy Conflict
When we find ourselves in an unhealthy conflict, it’s important to learn how to move towards a healthy conflict. The PAUSE model is a useful tool to help guide us through the process of moving from an unhealthy to a healthy conflict.
The steps of the PAUSE model include: Prepare, Actively Listen, Understand, Share and then End.
Prepare:
Acknowledge internally that there’s an unhealthy conflict going on and shift your mindset and prepare yourself.
Actively Listen:
Invite the person to talk about the conflict and understand their point of view. Listen carefully, with empathy and respect, allowing them to express themselves in a way that makes sense to them.
Understand:
Understand the person’s perspective and try to see the situation from their point of view.
Share:
Share your own perspective, but be sure to avoid blame and criticism.
End:
Find a resolution that works for everyone and end the conversation.
It’s important to remember that this process takes time and effort, but moving from an unhealthy conflict to a healthy one is worth it in the long run for maintaining positive relationships and getting the best results for everyone involved.
Introducing The Healthy Conflict Worksheet
Conflict is something that we inevitably encounter in our lives, whether it’s at work, with friends, or even with family. And while it’s not always easy to navigate, having the right tools and strategies can make it much easier.
That’s why I created the Healthy Conflict Worksheet. This worksheet is designed to help you prepare for and execute a conflict moving from an unhealthy state to a healthy one. It’s not meant to be used in the moment when you’re having a conflict discussion with someone, although it can be used as a meta-discussion.
The first page of the worksheet is a reminder of the PAUSE method and some boxes to fill in. In the Prepare section, the first step is to acknowledge internally that you are in fact having a conflict. From there, you move on to the mindset and preparation stages, which involve questions similar to those from the Debugging Difficult Conversations course.
In the Courage and Composure section, you need to remember that you need to have the courage to have the conversation, but also stay composed. This is not necessarily the point to discuss the content of the conflict, but rather the conflict itself and how you can move it to a healthy state.
The second page of the worksheet is a reminder of the PAUSE method itself. This includes actively listening to the other person, discussing the conflict, acknowledging and hugging the elephant in the room, understanding their point of view, assuming positive intent, sharing your view without blame, summarizing their points, showing that you understand, giving your points of view, reaffirming the common goals, and agreeing on what you will do to move the conflict to a healthy state.
Having the right tools and strategies to navigate a conflict can make it much easier. With the Healthy Conflict Worksheet, you can prepare for and execute a conflict moving from an unhealthy state to a healthy one.
The Healthy Conflict Worksheet – An employee goes behind your back to your manager
In this example, I’m a manager, and an employee of mine, Jen, has gone to my boss behind my back in an attempt to get a decision I’ve made overridden. This is a clear indication of an unhealthy conflict and so, I want to help Jen understand the situation, and make sure that this doesn’t happen again, at the very least, without my knowledge.
The first step is to acknowledge to myself that this is indeed a conflict. Jen went behind my back to my manager because she’s unhappy about a decision I made, and she didn’t tell me or warn me that she was going to speak to my boss. This is definitely a conflict.
It’s important to resolve this conflict because it makes my job hard if Jen goes behind my back to my boss. My boss might not fully understand the situation, she’s a bit more disconnected than to the shop floor than I am, and she might make promises to Jen with the best of intentions that actually would not be productive for what Jen’s trying to achieve, or for what my boss or I am trying to achieve. Additionally, this could also undermine my relationship with my boss and not teach Jen the value of doing things the right way, involving me, and managing up to me, which would be beneficial for her in her future careers.
To prepare for this conversation, I need to understand what Jen actually said to my boss and understand the frustrations that she was expressing. I also need to empathize with Jen and understand why she felt the need to go around me and go to my boss. Additionally, I need to keep my own emotions in check and make sure I have the courage to have this conversation and move this conflict into a healthy state. I am frustrated that Jen went to my boss instead of me, but I must make sure that it doesn’t bubble too much to the surface.
The Healthy Conflict Worksheet – Disagreement on prioritisation of work order things are done
In this example, I’m in a situation where my project manager, George, and I aggressively disagree on the order in which we should do the tasks in a current project. I’ve acknowledged internally that this is a conflict and that it’s likely an unhealthy one, especially because I’m using phrases such as “George thinks” instead of considering George’s ideas.
To move this conflict from an unhealthy one to a healthy one, I remind myself that George honestly believes his way is the best way to proceed. He wants to build great software and hit the timelines, and he believes his idea is the best way to do so. Even though George may be being aggressive, he is not against me as a person, he’s just against my idea and the emotion is spilling over, making me feel like the conflict is with me as opposed to with my idea.
In preparation for this conversation with George, I remind myself that we’re not here to discuss the merits of our different ideas. We’re here to discuss the conflict itself and it’s important to have this discussion in private. This way, George and I won’t feel like we have to protect and defend our ideas in front of other people, and instead have a more productive discussion about the conflict itself.
Before having the discussion, I will spend a few minutes thinking about why this conflict occurred and why it’s important to resolve it. During the discussion, I will use the techniques from the PAUSE framework, including actively listening to George, discussing the conflict, and understanding his point of view.