How to support your team going through life changing events

[00:02:23] Introduction: Tech Leaders Launchpad and Today’s Guest

Andrew Murphy: And welcome to another Tech Leaders Launchpad livestream. If this is your first livestream, I'm Andrew Murphy, the founder and lead trainer at Tech Leaders Launchpad, an online learning platform for technology leaders to learn to do their jobs confidently and effectively. These are the livestreams where I share the people with you that I learn from. My mentors, my coaches, the people that make me better at what I do so they can help you as well.

When I started being a leader, there wasn't a lot of resources out there. There weren't books, websites, blog posts, and there definitely weren't livestreams to help become a better leader. So I started what I do to help you learn to be better. This is a place where we're going to talk about all the skills we need to be a better tech leader, all of the mindsets, experiences, and skill sets that help us be a more effective leader and support the people under us.

I always have guests I'm really looking forward to chatting with, but this one especially. So with me, I've got Nisha. Nisha, do you want to say hi to the people watching?

Nisha Chaganlal: Hello, everybody. How are you doing today?

Andrew Murphy: Yeah, it is, it is. It is 6pm in Melbourne. What time is it and where are you, Nisha?

Nisha Chaganlal: It's 9:00am in Porto, Portugal.

Andrew Murphy: Wow. We actually first met in person in Porto just under a year ago. It was October last year, wasn't it?

Nisha Chaganlal: Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Andrew Murphy: And we're going to see each other again in October this year. I'm coming back.

Nisha Chaganlal: Yes, it's going to be in October. I think it's going to be a very interesting experience as well, because we'll get the chance to hear a lot from you and from a lot of other speakers in the conference. It's going to be really interesting.

Andrew Murphy: Yeah, it's looking really, really good. Anyway, before we get into all of that, do you want to tell everybody a little bit about you, Nisha? What's your story? Why are we here talking to you and why this topic? Why is this topic important to you?

[00:04:35] Nisha’s Background and Why This Topic is Important

Nisha Chaganlal: So I’ve got roughly 20 years of experience in the industry. I’ve worked as a manager for half of my life, those 20 years, and it’s a little bit aligned with what your mission is—in a sense, when I started as a tech lead, I didn’t have any training or notion of what I was getting into. People recognized in me qualities, leadership qualities, that would help not only deliver the results of the organization but also nurture individuals and strengthen teams to achieve those goals.

But really, as you manage people, you learn a lot from them, from their special circumstances and what they go through. And then personally, as you grow in your own life, you also go through a lot of changes that change your outlook and the way you deal with the situations as well.

So this is important for me because if I had someone that, when I started, would have given me insights or, you know, food for thought, for me to actually think about these subjects in a more objective way, perhaps the way I’ve handled a lot of situations in the past would have been different and a lot more productive and positive. So I guess the idea of this session is really to spill the beans on everything that I’ve learned so far.

[00:06:32] The Responsibility of Leadership and Learning from Mistakes

Andrew Murphy: Yeah, I think, you know, it's really important as leaders to recognize that when we were an IC, you know, when we were writing code or whatever job we were doing, when you make a mistake and you make a mistake with a computer, the computer doesn't care that you made a mistake. It doesn't care if you run the same unit test a hundred times and it fails a hundred times. And it's not the case when you're a leader. If you make mistakes with people, those people get hurt and those people feel they're not being listened to. So it's important that we learn these skills, especially in these circumstances. There's room for making mistakes—we're all human—but we do want to reduce these errors, these bad ways of handling situations as much as we possibly can.

[00:07:23] The Human Side of Leadership

Nisha Chaganlal: Yeah. And I think, you know, just to add to that, a manager or a tech lead that has line management responsibilities, they play a very crucial role in an individual's life. We’ve gone a lot into the corporate world, and we're very driven to increase revenue, disrupt the market, do everything that from a numbers perspective makes sense. But it's very important to also not forget that we're dealing with humans and that leadership is a very much human exercise—where we have to consider people's emotions. Sometimes just handling or mishandling a situation can wreak havoc on people's lives unintentionally.

So, not trying to put a lot of weight on managers, but it's a realization that I came to after years in these roles: that it's up to managers to actually make or provide and create an environment and nurture that experience for developers, engineers, QAs, everybody that's around them, to be able to fulfill their duties in the best way possible.

[00:09:12] Accountability in Leadership

Andrew Murphy: Yeah, you know, we think a lot about this stuff as a leader and it's important we spend the time focusing on it. I think it's, you know, somebody listening to you might think, oh, am I really accountable for this? And you know, the answer is, well, yes, this is part of leadership. You know, when you put on that mantle of leadership, you become accountable for a whole bunch of things that you were not accountable for previously, obviously. And that's part of the remit, that's part of the mantle of leadership. And you know, it's something that you just have to accept and support your team through these difficult situations.

[00:09:53] Early Lessons in People Management

Nisha Chaganlal: And it can be scary. One of the things that I remember doing when I first became a tech lead was I basically—the head of HR actually had an open door policy with me where I would just go in and ask, how do you deal with this situation? What’s the best way I can support the team? And, believe me, the first time I wasn’t perfect at all. I did a lot of mistakes, but I also had to deal with things I’d never experienced as a software engineer or as a consultant.

I remember as a software engineer, I didn’t observe as much as I started observing when I became a team leader. Recurring to others and asking for advice is super important in that beginning because it helps you think about options—which I think is something we often forget. One situation can have multiple ways of being dealt with, and it really depends on what kind of constraints you're in, what kind of environment, what kind of policies your organization has, what kind of relationship you've built with the person as well.

[00:11:25] What Life-Changing Events Are We Talking About?

Andrew Murphy: Yeah, let’s put a pin in that. That's a really important point I want us to come back to. But the people listening on the livestream might be asking, okay, what life changing events are we talking about here? Like, which things? What are these things we're discussing? We’re not going to give you an exhaustive list—it would take up the rest of the hour—but here’s a sample of some of these life…

[00:11:52] Types of Life-Changing Events

Nisha Chaganlal: Life-changing events that I've seen and the ones we should be looking for are things that force us to reevaluate how we think about life and force us to adapt to a new reality. Examples can be having a baby, becoming a parent for the first time (which both of us know is quite challenging!), but it could also be something like losing a loved one, having a miscarriage, going through war—we've seen the war in Ukraine, etc., which have a very big impact on people's lives.

A lot of people, when they go through these things, reevaluate their lives in a very profound way. They reconsider, am I in the right job for me moving forward? Do I need a career change? Especially if you're becoming a new parent and your current work has an incredible pace, you might reconsider that as well. The manager plays a very important part in supporting the individual through these events. HR has responsibility in designing policies that support individuals, but the first contact you have is your manager.

[00:14:07] Seeking Support as a Leader

Andrew Murphy: Yeah, I think that idea of being accountable is important, but also, as a leader, it's important to remember you're not in this alone. There are people around you—HR, your manager, others—to support you through this. As a leader, it’s not something you have to tackle alone. There’s always a first—you’re always dealing with something for the first time. That doesn't mean you have to come up with all the answers yourself. You do have a network of supporters around you.

Let's dive into an example—a situation that’s happened either to you or around you or with your team that we can talk through: how it was handled, what was good about it, and what might change if the circumstance happened again.

[00:15:02] Case Study: Returning from Parental Leave

Nisha Chaganlal: I have a collection of situations around the same topic, so what I’m going to do is tell you a bit of that story but enrich it with other tools that I learned on different occasions as well.

One situation I had was an individual who became a new parent and went on a very long maternity leave—one year. The organization was going through a very aggressive growth phase at the time, and a lot changed in that year: managers changed, the way systems were designed changed, development practices and tools changed. When the person came back after a year, it was almost like starting a new job—the team members had even moved into other teams.

Initially, this person had a specific leadership role. It was their decision not to return to a leadership position after coming back, since that has a lot of extra weight. But there was a lot of, “Oh, but that’s not how you do it,” or “I remember we did this like this,” and it created friction in the team. The new team lead wasn’t a parent and hadn’t realized the intricacies of returning to work after an experience like that—biologically, mentally, emotionally.

He asked, "How do I deal with this?"—because the established team knew what they were doing, but there was still an adjustment for the returning person. Managers sometimes don’t realize that returning after having a baby (whether you're a man or woman or any parent) is like jumping into a new world. You go from talking to babies to talking to humans again and want to do something meaningful in your work hours.

When I returned to work, I was really energetic and excited to come back to a part of my life that felt 'normal.' That’s really natural—though it depends on personality. Some people want to start slowly and ramp up; others are eager to dive in. As a manager, it’s important to ask, “What do you need?” and “How can I support you?” Don’t make assumptions—you don’t know what that period was like for them. Some may have been in new countries without support. Connect with the person and give them context: “This is what happened in your absence, and this is how we operate now.” That context changes how the sequence of events play out next.

[00:20:51] Matching Expectations: What the Team Member Needs

Andrew Murphy: Let’s pick into some of the things you said there. There’s this idea of talking to the person and trying to get from them what they need—that’s one of the key messages. In my experience, I had someone return from parental leave and I assumed, because it’s what I’d want, that they’d prefer a slow transition back. I picked simple, easy tasks for them—thinking they were likely sleep deprived and focused on family.

But after about two weeks, he said, "Hey Murph, can I have a chat? I am just going crazy. I need something to get my teeth into. I’ve missed this for eight months—I want a complicated problem!"

[00:22:12] People Want Engagement and Challenge

Nisha Chaganlal: Exactly. Simple parenting tasks don’t exercise your brain. That was something I felt as well—my brain didn’t feel exercised enough. After coming back to work, what I really wanted were challenges that kept me engaged. So, by the end of the day, I could feel I’d accomplished something and moved the needle. Many people crave that—you won’t know until you ask.

As a manager, you need to not just talk to the person but create opportunities so they can be equally engaged. If, for example, they say, “I want to be engaged but I don’t want to be oncall or dealing with production incidents”—maybe because they’re caring for a child—there are still plenty of valuable and impactful things they can do within the team.

[00:24:26] Picking the Right Tasks and Avoiding Assumptions

Andrew Murphy: So, we’re talking about tasks that are complicated and important, but maybe not necessarily urgent and time bound?

Nisha Chaganlal: Exactly, yes.

Andrew Murphy: Things they can get their teeth into, but it’s okay if it takes two days or two weeks. That’s good to keep in mind. Another aspect: sometimes, as leaders, we’ve never been in that situation ourselves—like war. I can’t comprehend what someone in that situation wants, needs, or expects. How can I lead someone if I can’t fathom what they’re going through?

[00:25:24] Supporting Someone Living Through War

Nisha Chaganlal: Yeah, I had to manage a project with a team in Ukraine at the time, and I wasn't equipped for that; I don't think anyone is.

During interviews, I met this amazing engineer—he couldn't leave the country and needed a distraction to cope. He was in survival mode: family in unsafe areas, uncertainty everyday. In one-on-ones he'd say, "Nisha, you might not have me in the team tomorrow."

That really hit me. I was safe at home—my problems were trivial by comparison. We had meetings where he'd run to safety due to sirens, telling us not to panic if we didn't hear from him. Through all this, the team was open and clear. He delivered under duress, but also needed the work for a sense of normalcy.

There were still things in our control: clear requirements, clear architecture, mutual understanding. That helped us keep the project going. Sometimes, the work—even just the act of business as usual—helped him cope.

[00:29:18] Taking Care of Yourself as a Leader

Andrew Murphy: There’s another important angle: this situation was obviously life-threatening for your engineer, but it must have been emotionally challenging for you, too. How do you look after yourself so you can look after him and the team?

[00:29:51] Self-Care as a Leader During Team Trauma

Nisha Chaganlal: I stopped watching the news during that time—it was one of the best decisions I made, because knowing my team members’ locations, every big news story made me worry for them personally. This wasn’t about the project; it was about caring for another human.

Supporting others in survival mode means having patience, honesty, and authentic relationships. Active listening is absolutely crucial. By focusing on those conversations, you can step outside rigid expectations—delivery goals are important, but for that hour it’s about humans supporting each other. That makes a difference.

[00:32:59] Ripple Effects: When One Person’s Crisis Impacts the Team

Andrew Murphy: If you’re watching, please post questions in the chat—don’t share personal details, but if there’s a situation you want advice on, let us know.

You touched upon how someone’s reaction to their crisis can put stress on others in the team. Sometimes you can’t share what’s happening with the rest of the team (for example, someone’s going through a miscarriage), but B, C, D can see something’s up. How do you handle that?

[00:34:25] Handling Confidentiality and Team Dynamics

Nisha Chaganlal: If you’d asked me early in my career, I’d have handled it differently. Now, I focus on the fact that everyone in the team has the same goal—no one is trying to make anyone’s life harder.

When you can’t share details: in one-on-ones, ask questions that help people zoom out and consider context. If conflict arises, gently reset: remind people of common goals and approach everything with empathy.

One thing I’ve learned recently: sometimes, it’s enough to tell the team, “I’m going through something. I’m not ready to talk about it, but please give me the benefit of the doubt if I’m not myself.” You don’t need to overshare; just make people aware something is up. That creates space for feedback, preserves relationships, and allows people to show up for each other authentically.

[00:38:50] Advice for Communicating When You’re Struggling

Andrew Murphy: As a leader, if someone is going through a difficult life-changing event, would you recommend they share that “something’s up” with their peers?

[00:39:00] Establishing Boundaries and Raising Awareness

Nisha Chaganlal: Yes, absolutely. It sets expectations and raises awareness so things don’t get misinterpreted. Also, establishing boundaries is crucial. In tough situations, many people feel it’s selfish to set boundaries, but really it’s about knowing your limits and what you can realistically do.

Sometimes you need time flexibility, sometimes you just need to say—temporarily—“I can’t travel right now.” As a manager, support your team in discovering and verbalizing those boundaries, asking the right questions, and helping them not go through these experiences alone.

[00:43:41] Get Support as a Manager; Don’t Over-Extend Yourself

Andrew Murphy: And as a leader, if you don’t know what questions to ask, remember you have a support network: HR, your own manager, your peers. This might be your first time helping someone through something like this, but it probably isn’t for everyone else. There’s an important mirror there: leaders need boundaries too.

It’s easy to over-invest in one person and neglect the rest of the team. Balancing that is difficult.

[00:45:04] Supporting the Whole Team and Maintaining Balance as a Leader

Nisha Chaganlal: Yes, exactly. Sharing with the team that you’re going through something can help them accept a temporary imbalance. But as a leader, keep having those deep one-on-ones with everyone and keep your eye on deliverables—don’t lose track of everything else.

When supporting someone through a life-changing event, yes, you’ll need to focus extra time and energy on them. Just make sure you’re still gauging team health, doing virtual coffees, team-building, even company activities. Those things can help lighten the mood and help people take a break from their reality. Just make them optional and inclusive; for some, group activities are draining.

[00:48:03] Remote Work: Supporting People Through Life Events Remotely

Andrew Murphy: We're almost out of time, but one last question: supporting someone in person is different from doing so remotely. What extra things do leaders need to think about if their team member is remote?

[00:48:45] The Power and Limits of Remote Support

Nisha Chaganlal: Having managed both in the office and remotely, there are pros and cons. On the one hand, remote work means someone’s in their safe space and can open up more easily. On the other, remote work can make you feel isolated. People might finish a call, appear “fine,” then cry alone and need comfort.

But being remote doesn't mean you can't support in tangible ways. You can send flowers, breakfast, or a note to someone’s door. Sometimes a thoughtful gesture makes a big difference. The fact that you’re remote doesn't mean you can't do something nice to support someone.

[00:51:23] Self-Care and Buffering as a Manager

Andrew Murphy: I like that angle about taking a break. If you’re dealing with someone going through a life event and you’re remote, be sure to block buffer time after your meetings. Don’t hop immediately into another call—you need space to process and recover, just like they do.

[00:52:01] Scheduling and Emotional Energy

Nisha Chaganlal: Absolutely. Earlier in my career, I’d do one-on-ones back to back. By the end, I’d be exhausted. If I’d realized earlier how important breaks were, it would have helped not just me, but also my team.

Giving yourself (and others) 10-15 minutes between calls allows for sliding meetings, personal needs, and emotional decompression. That energy preservation is crucial—not just for you, but for everyone you support. Otherwise, you risk burning out.

[00:53:41] The Importance of Leader Self-Care

Andrew Murphy: Yes. If you don’t look after yourself, you can’t look after your team. It’s not selfish, it’s essential! Everyone forgets this. I’ve burned out doing too much for my team, then realized that didn’t help anyone.

All right, we’re at the top of the hour. That’s been an intense 54 minutes! I hope everyone listening has gained knowledge from this—I definitely have. We don’t talk about this enough in the industry, even though everyone faces these situations.

Let’s finish off by looking ahead at the future and what’s coming up.

[00:56:06] Upcoming Talks and Conferences

Nisha Chaganlal: Yes, I think it’s going to be really interesting. My next talk is about reentering the workforce, Parenting Edition—what it looks like to join the workforce as a parent. It’s in Porto, my hometown, so it’s my home edition! It’s going to be valuable for managers and individuals as well.

Andrew Murphy: It’ll definitely take you less time to get there than me!

Nisha Chaganlal: Well, you decided to move to the other side of the world!

Andrew Murphy: Melbourne to Porto is about 32 and a half hours. I’m running a workshop on becoming a leader for the first time—the important skills, understanding where you are right now, and especially communication, which is at the core of everything we’ve discussed today.

If you’re in Europe, definitely come to NDC Porto. And if you see a speaker walking around, don’t hesitate to say hi! We love it—we’re there to learn too, not just to talk.

[00:58:27] Final Words and Encouragement to Connect

Nisha Chaganlal: It’s all about sharing experiences and learning from each other. So definitely, go up to any speaker you're interested in talking to.

Andrew Murphy: Yes, and if a speaker is head down or busy, respect that. But if we're just in a coffee queue or at lunch, come say hi—we love it! Thank you, Nisha, for joining me, and thank you to everyone for watching. See you next time on Tech Leaders Launchpad livestream.

Nisha Chaganlal: Thank you for having me. See you. Bye.

Andrew Murphy: Very welcome.